Unhappy friday night.

I've always thought that being in love is one of the things at the top list to look forward to in life. I know it's a roller-coaster ride. Well, the most thrilling one. I've been in and out a couple or more relationships since when I was seventeen. I set off to the route of finding love with a set of innocent mind. Thinking that your partner means everything he/she say. My relationships are mostly broken up by third parties. Ohmy how i hated and cursed them. Years later, which is today... I'm standing here playing the role of a third party. This is my first time playing this terrible role. I've always envied those girls that snatches away my boyfriends just like that. Right now, even as a third party, the threat of my honeylove leaving never fails to conquer my emotions and mind. Never did i thought that i'm here, crying over relationships again.

Just yesterday, i was all happy yet guilty because i didn't get to see love after my freelance job. But, we did have a long talk and facetime after love end work. For the past 6 months plus, there's so many insecurities in me. And those insecurities are brought forward from my past failed relationships. Yeah, i find it unfair for love too. But well, there's pieces of her right now that's brought forward too. So, it isn't totally unfair after all.

I know, everyone will be calling me a bitch, the third party and the list of very long goes on. This relationship, i supposed, isn't a one-sided thing. It involves both parties willingly. Sometimes i did wish that this didn't escalates so seriously. I've always think that I'm not good enough, or I didn't do good enough, or I don't deserve her. All these negativity, i'm going to brush it off my head for now. For this once, i'm going to think like how i would think. Not thinking about how others would feel. For this once, i want to think for myself.

I'm numb. I don't know how i feel right now. I love you like how i want to be loved. I've never ever see myself as the third party in our relationship. And very often, i forgot where i actually stand. There's still another person standing above me. I'm not the only one who owns you. No, i don't own you from the start. Many times we quarreled because i'm suffocating is because i can never understand why and how can you love both right now. I know and admit that i'm in the wrong to participate in playing this third-party role. I'm screaming inside me all the time. Because i want to own you. I don't want it to be just patience-waiting to the day where i dont even know what's your decision by then.

Everytime we sit down and we talk about us. The real us. She is always involve. Yes, i bring her up to our topic all the time because if I dont do so, I might forget that she existed. I wanted you to do something. I know you both have oversea trip coming up. I wanted something fair for me.

You are not mine totally. I've to make myself yours totally. See the difference? You always wanted me to understand, and you always said that i'm not understanding enough. Am i really not understanding enough? Am i really so bad? From the start we played this game together. Things got serious. Nobody ended it. You always ask me to be patient and wait and wait and wait. You want me to love you, but you ain't protecting my heart. And so, i've to start protecting mine. And that's when i cried and cried and cried most of the time, cried and cried and cried most of the night, cried and cried and cried. You said talking to guys makes you feel insecure, i stopped. You said I should make the effort to go down since i'm not working, i tried and i did. Only a couple of times i didn't and we quarreled. And we pull a long face through. You said I was annoying but you like it. Yet the one that blocks me out from the calls is you.

After all these, i still wants to be with you. Because you've that heart that i've always admire. Because you've that smile that i've always think of. Because you're that awesome girl even though the world might not think so. Because you've that playful heart with kids that makes me sure that you could handle me. Because you are you and you make me, me too. I wish i was braver now and not tearing up while i type this and while i'm vibering you. I wish i was just that little bit stronger right now. Then again, i ain't that strong after all.

I used to have this saying : Love is love until it involves more than two.
Right now at this moment, there's nothing i can do except,



I really wish, wish that all these were easier. If can, i would want to scream and shout out at my pillow and cry out loud. But now i'm emotionless crying. That actually proves how numb and how much pain i'm having inside. I need someone i can call my own. I need you to leave her. I need you to be just mine. I need you to only focus fully on me. Then again, i know... It's impossible.

Maybe after this time, will be better. I love you. 

Written by me at 10:08 PM | 0 Alien{s}